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10 Things To Do if You Hate Valentine’s Day

We all know it. Valentine’s Day is a gimmick day in America to help stimulate the economy.  Hallmark and jewelry companies rely on this month to ease the pain from Christmas being over. Stuffed teddy bears and new little puppies with red bows suddenly become bars of gold for this one day out of the year.  Flowers you purchased at Kroger at the beginning of February are now four times the price.  Dinner prices skyrocket and reservations become a royal pain in the ass. Don’t even get us started on the “Valet” trick that ruins any meal before you even sit down. You know, when they force you to valet and park your car about 15 feet away as you hand over your hard-earned money. Who isn’t inclined to be pampered from time to time, but when you’re trying to get ahead, valet isn’t really the way to do it.

Guys are looked at as assholes if they don’t treat their ladies to something nice and it is subliminally instilled into girls to expect guys to become hopeless romantics on this magnified day. Anything less than this theatrical Valentine’s Day performance leads to all out war. We’ve come up with 10 things to do if you hate Valentine’s Day that might take the edge off and no, this time, it isn’t a girl hate party where they burn all of their exes sentiments in a “love” bonfire screaming all the while “Girl Power!” While there could be some merit to such a fiasco, we had something else in mind entirely.


10 Things To Do if You Hate Valentine’s Day

  1. Go Valentine’s Day Crashing but be prepared for the repercussions.
  2. 50 Shades of Gray….Feel what it is like to be put into bondage submission without all of the awkwardness after.  “Do I call an Uber for her/him?”  “How do I hide this bruise on my leg from friends and co-workers?” “Now what do I do with all of this rope and masking tape?”
  3. Play Power Hour with your friends as you take shots for every relationship you can name that didn’t make it.  Please stop at 10 beers.
  4. Tinder, because nothing says true romance like meeting the guy/girl of your dreams at 3:00 a.m. after a night out at Shot Bar.
  5. Mardi Gras in Galveston/New Orleans.  Beads, booze, and boobs doesn’t exactly scream romance, which is perfect.
  6. If you have a significant other and one, or both of you don’t like Valentine’s Day, switch the expected roles. Let the man be the diva, playing with his hair, as he takes bathroom breaks to “powder his nose” and let the “miss independent” woman buy dinner as she searches for table talk conversation; “You look really nice tonight.”, “I like your sideburns.”  Please stop at this point in the bedroom unless you are really want to get freaky.
  7. Hit up The Corkscrew Anti-Valentine’s Day Party located in the Heights on 20th street.  The event is great for singles and people who hate the day in general.
  8. Book a last minute trip to Vegas or Miami. We’re pretty positive that the general public in these places aren’t doing the Valentine’s Day mush either.
  9. Sleep. We’re always overworked and underpaid so rest up in bed. This day will be over soon and there are tons of Valentine’s Day hate movies on Netflix to keep you laughing.
  10. Last but not least, gag gift your friends with some Bacon Lube.  Although this may end up not being much a gag for some of our friends.